Welcome to my heart thoughts

Give me Your Eyes for just one second...

2010-01-16T06:13:00.000-08:00

Looked down from a broken sky
Traced out by the city lights
My world from a mile high
Best seat in the house tonight
Touched down on the cold black top
Hold on for the sudden stop
Breath in the familiar shock
Of confusion and chaos
All those people going somewhere,
Why have I never cared?

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
Ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see
Yeah

Step out on a busy street
See a girl and our eyes meet
Does her best to smile at me
To hide what's underneath
There's a man just to her right
Black suit and a bright red tie
Too ashamed to tell his wife
He's out of work
He's buying time
All those people going somewhere
Why have I never cared?

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
Ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see
Yeah

I've Been there a million times
A couple of million eyes
Just moving past me by
I swear I never thought that I was wrong
Well I want a second glance
So give me a second chance
To see the way you see the people all along

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
Ones that are far beyond my reach.
Give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see
Yeah

-Brandon Heath

Separation and Restoration

2010-01-15T07:28:00.000-08:00

Separation.... no, it's not the same thing as divorce. Seperation isn't permanent. It's a break, but it's clean. It can be healed, put back together..restored.

Separation from God can be restored. Separation from friends can be restored(those that are forgiving of course). Separation from your spouse can be restored(if you want it to, that is).

Memories cannot be restored. Loss of time cannot be restored. Hurt and pain cannot be taken away.

No matter how many times I apologize, my friends will never forget the times I've hurt them. It is not in our human nature to forget. Forgive-yes. But not forget. Respect has been lost, and so has trust, and these things will not be regained quickly. Do I have a right to be angry at the lack of trust? No! I've learned this from my marriage. Once trust is broken, especially again and again, it is so delicately and carefully regained. If trust is broken again and again and again, the severance becomes jagged and broken pieces are scattered. That trust will never be regained. It is then that you must decide whether love is enough to thrive on for the rest of your life. No. Not for me.

There was no innocent party in my marriage, but one was worse.

There were no innocent parties in our friendships, but one was worse.

There is no excuse worthy of neglect, thankfully God has forgiven me for those I have afflicted.

So now I take baby steps. I read my bible, even though I woke up late this morning. I prayed. I sit on the floor with my son and hold him while he watches Yo Gabba Gabba. I cry over this blog I'm writing. I apologize. I have no sense of money or time management. I need a teacher, someone to guide me. This will come in time.

Who am I now? I have no idea. I have no idea what I am/am not capable of. I know that God has a plan for me, and though I don't feel it right now, I choose to believe it's there. And this I will hold onto. This I will trust. I can trust again. Can you?

Elijah's First Beach Trip!

2009-05-01T09:36:00.000-07:00

We went to Florida and met Aunt Rose, cousin Karyn, and little Dominick in Palm Coast and had a BLAST! We went to Daytona Beach, Flagler Beach, Orlando(Elijah went TWICE!) and layed out at the pool a ton(got a GREAT tan!). It was so nice to spend time with the family and officially introduce them to little Elijah! They seemed taken with him and he had a good time staying in the hotel with Aunt Kristin and Aunt Kerri and playing with them. He got a little than on his legs and he LOVED the sand! He kept trying to eat it! Brandon took him to Animal Kingdom on Saturday and he got his picture taken with Mickey, Tigger(who is my fave!), Pooh, and Eeyor! Brandon said he loved all the characters and wouldn't stop staring at one to look at the next! He said he especially loved Mickey's nose and grabbed it first thing(which we are buying a picture of on the website asap!). He was very good on the ride also, he hardly cried and he got lots of nap time in. Of course it helped that Uncle Sebastian and Aunt Kerri were in the backseat entertaining. We'll be doing it again soon, that's for sure!!!

It's been a while!!!(update)

2009-04-10T13:52:00.000-07:00

Wow! What's NOT new??? Good news first:

Elijah is a mobile man! He's crawling and pulling up on his feet-all in one week! He thinks he's grown! We've been baby proofing as much as possible but he's still managed to pull a loose entertainment center door on his little head. No bruises or bumps-just a little crying! He goes for his next dr's appt on the 20th-that'll be 9 months! So I'll be posting about that soon.

Bad news: Brandon lost his job last Monday-so I've picked up a second(yes, second) job at Indigo Joe's here in Greenville trying to make ends meet. B/n my new job and school I cherish every moment I have at home with my baby. Brandon is looking hard for a new job(any suggestions are appreciated!).

Vacation: Despite our financial issues, we still want to liver our lives, so we're trying to continue going to Fla at the end of April to meet up with Brandon's cousins Karyn and Dominick, and his aunt Rose! We hope to see them and have them meet Elijah for the first time! They live in NY so obviously Fla is alot closer.

Nothing else is new-school is going well. Makeup has been my fave part so far so I'm working on doing wedding/birthday/prom makeup. My b.f. Jenn got married last weekend(I was a bridesmaid!) and I did most of the wedding party including her. Everyone looked beautiful.

Pictures:

Make sure you check out my youtube link for crawling and laughing videos!!!

Everybody's got em...

2009-03-19T20:02:00.000-07:00

Just because I'm Christian means I'm closed minded? In my shameful past, I've done many drugs-and reaped the consequences. I've had sex before marriage, I've cursed, listened to tacky music, and done other incredibly stupid things. BECAUSE I know first hand the consequences of these things, I choose to believe that we shouldn't do them. Is that wrong? Can't I state that? Why can one person state that they LIKE to do them, but I can't state that I don't? Why am I labeled "judgemental" for letting someone know the way I run my own life? I don't get it...

Hallelujah by Paramore

2009-02-27T18:08:00.001-08:00

Somehow every thing's gonna fall right into place
If we only had a way to make it all fall faster everyday
If only time flew like a dove
Well God, make it fly faster than I'm falling in love

This time we're not giving up
Let's make it last forever
Screaming, hallelujah
We'll make it last forever

Holding onto patience wearing thin
I can't force these eyes to see the end
If only time flew like a dove
Well, we could watch it fly and just keep looking up

This time we're not giving up
Let's make it last forever
Screaming, hallelujah
We'll make it last forever

And we've got time on our hands
Got nothing but time on our hands
Got nothing but, got nothing but
Got nothing but time on our hands

This time we're not giving up
Oh, let's make it last forever
Screaming, hallelujah
Hallelujah

It's Thursday!!!

2009-02-26T05:32:00.000-08:00

We've had a busy, busy week!!! I finally got Eli's footprint and handprint done with the clay model Deb sent us right after Eli was born and it's now drying. This morning we woke to a mondo poop diaper that spread from his neck to his ankles(no I'm not exaggerating!) and he proceeded to stick his hand in it and rub it on the curtains(waaaahooo!)! We have a nutrition class this morning and depending on how that goes we may/may not go to Shanna's for lunch. Wow-as I'm writing this my husband just called to inform me that next week he'll be out of a job! We need lots of prayers! I did want to share a cute picture of elijah I took this week for St. Patty's day:

"Raindrops are falling on my window"

2009-02-18T18:25:00.000-08:00

I'm listening to the rain pour outside and it's really a beautiful sound. I never realize I miss it until nights like tonight. How long has it been since any of us have listened to real silence? Or really enjoyed a rainfall or a sunset? When days like today roll around I remember how much I loved being a child-life was so simple! When Elijah plays just a look at me brings him so much joy, only some attention and that child is on fire-his eyes light up like I've never seen and he's so...HAPPY! And me? Now that I'm older? We don't have enough things, we don't make enough money-chasing the American Dream is tiring-and detrimental to your mental and physical health! What happened to the days when I just enjoyed my mother's shining face or playing in the backyard with friends? I want to get back there again :0)

I'M GOING TO BE AN AUNT!!!!

2009-02-16T05:03:00.000-08:00

It's been a crazy weekend!!! We moved into a bigger place(I'll post pics as soon as we get decorations up) and had dinner at Fatz last night in honour of my mil's birthday..or so we thought! I recieved a card addressed to Elijah from Aunt Kristin and she passed out little pink envelopes to everyone else around too.I opened it-it was a Vday card. I told Kristin(my sister in law) thank you and closed it and put it away. She looked at me and said "did you read who it's from?"( I knew who it was from- Kristin and Brandon lol) So I reopened it very confused and it says "From Brandon, Kristin, and your future favorite cousin". I started boohooing!!! How exciting! I have no brothers or sisters so I've been waiting for this day!! I've been bugging Kristin about giving Eli a little cousin for a long time! Now our babies will be close in age-I'm so excited! Our families are expanding and new generations are coming into play! Life is good guys, life is good!!!!!

Thinking of Ashley

2009-02-06T18:20:00.000-08:00

Her son passed a month ago yesterday. When something horrible happens to someone-we grieve in the initial shock of it and then move on. We think because they're speaking, smiling, laughing, that they're fine. We don't see what goes on inside. Ashley wrote a note yesterday about what she's learned over the past month. She wrote about how she remembers everything from her experience a month ago. She wrote about remembering giving her 6 month old son mouth to mouth. She wrote about watching his head flop as she handed him to her husband so he could say goodbye. She told about his last breath in her arms. I cannot imagine surviving this. I cannot imagine seeing it over and over again in my head. And here we go on with our lives and think there may be justice because she's pregnant. No. She is still grieving, just as much as the day she lost her son. How can we be there for her? Sympathize? I just don't know....

I'm in Love!!(In Honour of Valentine's Day)

2009-02-03T05:44:00.000-08:00

I'm in love with my husband-obviously-and my son!!! He's so stinkin adorable-even when he cries! It's going to be so hard to punish him when he's older because he has the lip quiver down pat! Anyway, I just wanted to update- I've been in school for three weeks and 1 day now-we've had one test and we have another tomorrow(so I need to get off here and study!). I get home around 10:45 and get to bed around 11:15-wake up at 7 with Eli and start my day. When he goes down for first nap i'll usually nap myself too. It's been challenging but not as bad as I thought. I LOVE esthetics-i'm into waxing like no other and facials and massage are definitely my thing woohoo! I haven't worked on extractions at school yet but I can't wait to get on it(maybe tonight's the night?). Anyway, I love the practice so come my way! Much love everyone!!! Elijah is doing GREAT! He is having some allergy/eczema problems so we're doing a soy formula trial(I'm not breastfeeding any longer due to lack of milk however I gave it six months which i'm proud of!). It's day two of soy and his skin already looks better! I'm hoping it's going to help. He's eating like a pig-three times a day on solids and about 5 bottles(6 to 8 oz). He's growing like a weed and his weight can't keep up lol! He's sitting up all by his lonesome although he falls backwards sometimes and gets mad at me(typical male) and he isn't attempting to crawl AT ALL. He's just not interested. He is definitely saying dada and will conversate with you for hours just saying uhhhh back and forth. He knows baba bc he screams everytime I mention it and he is reaching for us now too. Alright that's about it-have a great week!

Manda

Congrats!!!

2009-01-27T11:15:00.000-08:00

Really quick congrats to my twin Meredith on having her beautiful baby girl Sarah Grace on Monday, January 26th, at 9:46 p.m. She was 7lbs 1oz and BEAUTIFUL!!!! Mere-if you need to take a nap, take a break, or want company don't hesitate to call! Love you!!!!

Elijah's 6 month photos

2009-01-25T15:08:00.000-08:00

Here they are! Valentine's Day pics to come soon!!!

Always

2009-01-25T14:26:00.000-08:00

When I had my son I had no idea what I was getting into. I only knew that I loved him, and that God would never have given me this little baby boy to take care of if he thought I couldn't do it.

So there I was, with this little tiny being that I had carried and nourished inside of me for nine months. Here he was, in the flesh, in all his glory, and I could only stare at him bewildered and unsure of what to do next.

Love was the first thing I felt for him. Overwhelming love. Heartbreaking love. Terrifying love. When I stared at him thoughts of bad things happening to him flashed into my mind and made me physically sick. The thought of someone harming him filled me with rage. An overwhelming desire to protect bore down on my body and mind. It has never left me.

I want to be here for my child every second of every day. I try in every way to keep him safe. I test his bottles to make sure they aren't hot. I breast fed as long as I could to prevent germs. I make sure the straps in his carseat are extra tight(something daddy protests because he worries it's uncomfortable for him). I take him to the pediatrician and make sure he gets his shots. He never leaves my sight when we're at a store. When someone watches him I call every hour to make sure he's ok. There is nothing I wouldn't do to protect him.

But I'm only human...

Recently certain events in my life have reminded me, yet again, that I am not in control here. I don't choose whether my son lives or dies. I don't decide if I get to stick around this life to protect him. I don't decide who goes first and I won't be around to kiss every boo boo and wipe every tear. There will be times when my son is at school and someone hurts his feelings. There will also be times when he'll fall or get hurt and he'll cry for mommy and I can't be there to pull him in my arms and love on him. But I know God will be-and he will protect him.

I can only enjoy every moment I have with my son and thank God every night for my beautiful baby boy. Lately, I find myself watching him or playing with him and I have to stop and realize-this feeling I feel right now is something I've only ever experienced while watching movies of mothers with their children, happy endings, my friends faces. What makes me deserve this? Will it be taken away? I will cherish him, my life with him, and I will always, always, love him.

Always by Plumb
Out of nowhere
You came
From a little dust
And a little rain
And when I looked down at
Your face
It showed to me
The truth and grace

I will always try to keep you very safe

So open up your eyes
So they can look in mine
And see a small reflection
And when you close your eyes
I pray the thoughts inside
Are beautiful and true

I won't always
Be this strong
And I won't always
Be the one
To kiss the bruise
Or heal the scrapes
To wipe the tear drops
From your face

But I will always love you more each day

So open up your eyes
So they can look in mine
And see a small reflection
And when you close your eyes
I pray the thoughts inside
Are beautiful and true

I will always love you more each day
I will always try to keep you safe

So open up your eyes
So they can look in mine
And see a small reflection
And when you close your eyes
I pray the thoughts inside
Are beautiful and true

I will always
I will always ... love you

Horrible Week

2009-01-22T11:07:00.000-08:00

We had drama, drama, drama at my school last night(which I'm wishing I'd never payed to go to) and on the way home i find out a woman in the building next to ours was beat to death by her boyfriend while her 5 year old son had to watch! They caught the guy thank God!

This afternoon I got a call from a friend at North Greenville-one of my friends from the music program-Tiffany Huff-was killed in a car accident on her way to school. When I heard the news I was shocked but then cried-she was an incredible person and I'll never understand why someone has to pass so young. I went onto her facebook after I composed myself to leave her a farewell message and I saw under her status that just 18 hours ago she was praising God that her papa had been saved. I will pray for her family and friends but I'll give special prayers to her papa as he is experiencing his first trial as a Christian, and one of the hardest. Death of loved ones has always been my biggest struggle because I don't understand them. I hope everyone will keep Tiffany's loved ones in their prayers-I am consoled that she is with Christ now. Love you all!!!

Tiffany, Ashley,me, and Emily Christmas 07

Dada!

2009-01-18T13:05:00.000-08:00

Eli said dada yesterday and today we got it on video! He says "dada" and "dadadadadada" so he obviously doesn't know what it means but he still said it! He can also say "ma" but won't go further than that. Soooo cute!!!!

Picture Day!!!!

2009-01-11T16:19:00.001-08:00

Just wanted to post a few pics we took of Elijah tonight-he's so handsome! :0)

Reindeer days: (yes, we put him in a reindeer costume in January-and he was cute in it too!)

And after bathtime fun!

Today is as good as any :0)

2009-01-11T14:51:00.000-08:00

Update on Elijah: He is sitting all by himself(a little wobbly though) and now that's all he wants to do! He LOVES to sit up like a big boy and play with his toys! We have this little drum that does numbers, music, or letters as you hit it and he just smacks away at it(ever since I found out he was a boy and felt him kick I've said he was going to be a drummer lol). he's a sweet boy and I just love him so much.

We went to church this morning and had a guest speaker who was a bit on the traditional side, which is not my fave, but if you got past it he had a really good message-about being content with what we have. I think this is the hardest thing to do-I mean, there are things that I NEED in life, like more space b/c we are too cramped in this apartment, and money to pay our bills, but are we ever content? There is so much out there now and everything screams at you-if you had me you'd be sooo much better off-designer clothes/shoes, the latest camera, the nicest car, the best body, etc. I think it's silly but how to get around it? How will I learn to be content with what I have? This is a series with an everyday devotional we'll be going through over the next few weeks so I'll make sure to post what I learn.

On another topic:I want to be healthy-and I'm so not right now b/c I've been in this horrible depression since winter started-I have really just been sitting in the same chair in my apartment. It was like the past week I suddenly came out of it. When Jack passed on Monday actually. I felt like-Amanda, you have no clue how much time you have-don't waste it! Get up and do something with yourself! Granted, i'm going to school starting tomorrow(yay!) but otherwise I was just wasting away in that chair! My poor son needs some sunlight! And my friends...I've been so selfish in that chair-thinking only about myself and how much I hate my dinky apartment. At least I have an apartment! Some people don't! And how much I want a "real job"- and I'm working on that now! The whole time I've been in that chair thinking, "why haven't my friends noticed? Why didn't anyone bang down my door and pull me out of this house when I needed them?" I was thinking the wrong things! My friends can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped...but I do now...and I think I'm going to burn that chair :0)

Weight Loss

2009-01-10T18:18:00.000-08:00

After having Elijah I got down to 1 lb from my prepregnancy weight but since I've gained 2 lbs so I'm going to start working out. The girls on the board are doing "the biggest loser" so that's my motivation! I think it'll be a fun way to work out and I'll be keeping tabs on it on here-I want to lose ten lbs which would but me around 125. Wish me luck!

Just a little somethin I wrote :0) Cheers!

2009-01-09T10:51:00.000-08:00

Motherhood is a precious secret that you're told at the birth of your children. We speak it to everyone, but noone actually understands the secret until they have a child of their own. It is shared between mothers as an understanding look.It is an unspoken agreement between mommy and daddy.It knows no time and once you've understood the secret it never leaves you-no matter how old you get, no matter if your children stay with you or not. It is such a beautiful secret and so scary when you realize that the child that whispered it to you is so fragile.Motherhood is not a secret that every woman is so blessed to experience and I am so grateful that I am one of the few that now knows it.

It's been a while...

2009-01-09T09:14:00.001-08:00

07 to be exact..it's now January of 2009 and life is about crazy. I've given birth to a beautiful little boy July 16, 2008-his name is Elijah Roman Rice. He's perfect in every way-see below:

We've had an amazing 6 months with him so far-we've cried, laughed, gotten food all over the place, been pee'd on and pooped on, suffered through horrific breast feeding experiences and bonded most of all. To get everyone caught up, Elijah is now 6 months old(he will be in 7 days) and he's sitting up all by his lonesome. He eats baby food-and lots of it! He loves sweet potatoes and rice cereal-they're his favorite. He's not a fan of fruits yet-he makes hilarious pucker faces, it's obviously sour to him. He gets up on his hands but not his legs yet to crawl. He's STILL not sleeping through the night and we are experimenting with crying it out right now to get things moving along. Sleep is little these days.

I'm on a board for mommies with babies due in July(we've been with each other since the pregnancies) and we've recently lost a baby-it was a horrible tragedy that has touched us all in different ways. We are moving our way through it with tears and prayers for the mommy and daddy that lost their baby boy. Please pray for them as they need it. I can't imagine how they feel at this time.

Brandon is working at Pace Electric and doing very well their. We hope he gets a raise soon. We're moving into a 3 bedroom apt on February 12th because Eli has accumulated so much stuff that we need more space. I'm thrilled to be getting a bigger apartment! He is a great daddy and loves Elijah very much. So much in fact that he'll be taking over mommy responsibilites nightly monday through thursday as I'm going back to night school on Monday! I'll be studying esthetics-a 7 month program and then I'll have a degree and hopefully a job. I'm very grateful to be nannying Savannah during the day so that I can stay home with my muffin and raise him up my way.

He has not stayed overnight away from us yet but the grandparents are very gracious to babysit-they enjoy their time with him. Grandma Carrie contributes formula for when mommy needs a break and also baby food. We appreciate that so much! At Christmas we dressed little Elijah up like a reindeer-I'll be sharing that below also:

That's about all for now-we love you all!

Brandon, Manda, n Elijah

A song for You

2007-02-25T17:17:00.000-08:00

My Cons Always Outway My pros
2/25/07

What did you see in me?
On the day I found you?
Why did you let me in?
If you knew the things I’d do?

A kiss of betrayal,
I’d lie and deceive,
My anger would take me
Your love went unseen.

My cons always outway my pros
Yet You stay by my side.
I don’t deserve Your unfailing grace
I should run and hide.

I’ll never be who You want me to be
Mistakes are part of who I am.
But for reasons I’ll never comprehend
Your love for me has no end.

What can I do to repay You?
I’ll try my best to be like Your son.
I can only put my trust in You, Lord,
My disappointments will be undone.

What was life before You?
Your love is like fire
Sanitizing me
Like rain washing over me,
Like wind rushing through me
Your heart is with mine,
Beating uncontrollably
Nothing can tame it,
I can’t explain it,
Yet it’s all around me
I can’t deny it.
You protect me
You heal me
You change me
You love me!!!
I worship You
I praise You.
My God I need You.